Defeated

Today, I am hosting a pity party for myself--really it's because I'm feeling bad for my kids. When we moved out to Seattle well over ten years ago, I had this idea in my head that I would make lots of new, close friends and life would be amazing. We would hang out on the weekends, go downtown, do fun things and eventually, grow up, have kids, and continue to strengthen our social circle. The truth is, I did make some pretty darn amazing friends, but most of them have moved away. A few are still in our lives, but often times, we don't see each other like we used to because, well, life gets busy--work duties, plus kids and their activities begin to consume us. The thing is, despite the fact that we do have some wonderful friends here, we don't have a circle of people we do things with consistently. My kids don't have that little group of friends they do things with all of time, like play on the same teams, or hang out for a BBQ, or neighborhood gatherings...maybe it's because we live somewhere different than most of them. Maybe it's because we all go to different schools. Maybe it's because they're just not quite old enough to have that consistency yet. Maybe it's because we didn't grow up here--we don't have roots--no real connection to family or childhood/school/college friends. But I'm still sad because I feel like they are missing out. Our soccer coach decided to step down this season from coaching so many teams and focus on his older boys' teams, which I totally understand. That meant my kids would have to find a new coach, new teammates, and possibly new friends. Then another dad from one of his teams agreed to coach...when I inquired about it, I discovered that his team was already full--because those people are connected--they have a circle. We were left out probably not on purpose but because we just aren't part of that group. And that is the part that breaks my heart a little. Because now, my kids are left out--and it's not like they even know about it and probably don't even notice. But I do. And now we have to start all over again and find a new team and play with a bunch of kids they have probably never met before. Defeat is a difficult emotion to let go of--it feels heavy and cold and frustrating and empty, but I know in my heart that this feeling will eventually pass. Heck, some might even say this stuff is all trivial in the grand scheme of life. I know my husband will tell me it's silly and not to worry about it. But at least for today, I'm allowing this feeling to happen and for at least for today, this pity party is in full swing.